But as each day went on I began to realize how much I loved being a stay at home Momma. I loved being there when Emerson woke up and I loved being the one to feed her and take care of her. I just couldn't even imagine being away from her. It literally made me sick to think about. As we approached her first birthday I started to entertain the idea of going back to work. I knew for sure that I wouldn't do it while we were still overseas but I did start looking for possibilities in the States. Even as I searched job openings I had this feeling that it wasn't right. I tried to reassure myself that Emerson would be almost two and that she would handle the transition just fine.
Over the next few months I continued to search halfheartedly but I told myself that if the right position came open at the time of our move that I would apply for it. I mean, if it opens at the exact time it must be meant to be, right?
And, of course, what do you think I came across last week? That's right. An opening for the job that I did before we moved overseas. The ideal job for me and the one that would allow me to see Emerson during the day if she were in childcare. Since seeing the posting I've clicked on the site just about every day and a million conflicting thoughts have gone through my head.
Most days I've felt pretty sure that I shouldn't apply for it and that the right place for me is to be home with Emerson. I do, however, have moments of doubt. I wonder if it would be better for our family for me to return to work. Not only would it allow me to get back into my career field, but the increase in income would obviously be a blessing. I also know that I would really enjoy the adult interaction and the chance to get dressed up every day. At the same time, I still want to cry at the thought of leaving Emerson. I have no doubt that she would be just fine in childcare but I'm not sure that I would be. My biggest fear is that I will regret it later on down the road. After all, we all know how short this precious time is. My baby will only be a baby for so long and I just hate the thought of missing a second of it.
Last night when I went to bed I just couldn't stop thinking about the job so I decided today that I would update my resume. Just in case. I have been doing my best to hand it over to God because I know that He knows what's right for us. I figured that I could just get my resume updated and then go from there. I have prayed for clarity on the subject and for God to open/close doors as He sees fit.
When Emerson laid down for her nap, I pulled up all of my old resumes and started working on brushing them up a little bit. Just as I was getting close to finishing, I heard Emerson cry out from the room next to me. I went in to find her sitting up in bed, crying and rubbing her cheeks, and telling me "boo boo." She's teething right now and her poor little mouth has been bothering her quite a bit.
I scooped her out of bed and she laid her sweet little cheek on my shoulder and patted my back. In a matter of seconds she was out again but I just couldn't put her back in bed yet. I decided instead to lay down with her for a bit so that I could make sure that she was comfortably sleeping. We laid side by side and even in her sleep, her tiny hand reached across, found my arm, and held tight.
And it was at that moment that it become more clear than ever that I was already doing the job that I was meant to do. I am the one that is supposed to be there when Emerson gets up in the morning. I'm the one that is supposed to fix her breakfast and lunch and kiss her boo boos. I am her mommy and it is my job to be there so that is what I'm going to do.
Yes, we may have to sacrifice a little bit more than we would if I worked. I may not be able to buy designer handbags and we probably won't be going on any exotic vacations. We will have to live on a budget and our savings will build up at a much slower pace. Our house will be smaller and I won't be able to shop anytime I want to.
But in exchange, I will get to continue to spend my days with my daughter. My precious girl. The sweet baby that I love more than anything.
And to me, that is definitely a sacrifice worth making.
This post has been in the works for months and months. It's something that's been on my heart and on my mind since before Emerson turned a year old. I have gone back and forth so many times and I have truly struggled over making a decision that is right for our family. PLEASE know that by sharing my feelings on the subject I am only talking about our situation. I am not in anyway criticizing anyone else's decisions. I feel like every family knows what is right for them and I would never judge another momma for a decision she made regarding her children. I also know that many people don't have a choice and that we are all in different situations. This post is about me and my struggle only!