Every day I open up Blogger and sit and stare at the blank screen. The cursor blinks, prompting me to type something. Anything. And I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. So many things I want to talk about. But when I put my fingers on the keys they become frozen. My thoughts start going a million miles a minute and I just can't decide where to start.
Sometimes I'll get a few sentences out and feel like I'm on a roll, but then I'll read back over what I wrote and decide that I don't like the way it sounds. I'll erase it much more quickly than I wrote it and I'll be back at square one. Back to the drawing board. Back to wanting to write but not being able to.
I want to write about how torn I am on whether I should return to work and how the thought of leaving Emerson for more than a few hours a day breaks my heart.
I want to write about how terrified I am that if I do decided to work I'll never be able to get another job after being out of my field for almost three years.
I want to write about how ready I am to get the heck out of here and back in the United States.
I want to write about how I am pretty much wishing away the days right now because I am just SO ready.
I want to write about how anxious I am to know where we are going to live.
I want to write about how often I think about when we should try to have another baby and just how undecided I am.
I want to write about how there are days where I feel as if I've accomplished nothing.
I want to write about how I fail God every single day yet He never gives up on me.
I want to write about how uninvolved I am here and how I hope to be different when we move.
I want to write about how much I dread starting all over in a new place without any friends.
I want to write about how unsure I am about what God wants me to do with my life/how he wants me to serve.
I want to write about all of these things and so much more but for some reason I just can't get the words out. I know so many of my posts lately have been nothing but pictures and even those have been few and far between.
The truth is, I want to tell our story. The good days. The hard days. I want to share it all but it's not always easy. While I am generally a positive person, I do have my moments. Moments of uncertainty and self-doubt. Moments of impatience, selfishness, and worry.
And while my first inclination is to write about it all, sometimes I'm just not able to. At times I am afraid that what I am trying to say will come across in the wrong way. Or that I will seem like I am whining/complaining when I have every reason to be full of joy. And sometimes I just can't get my jumbled thoughts written out into something that makes sense.
So even though I have all of these thoughts running through my head and I want to share, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'm afraid to put myself out there. To be vulnerable. But I know that I have to start somewhere...
Maybe this is my somewhere.